This blog is my personal blog, I write it as a diary that I can look back on. Something to keep track of my emotional roller coaster as a mom, wife and person. With that being said......
Six years ago today......
I was 33 weeks pregnant and everything throughout my pregnancy was "normal". My first pregnancy, I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to. We had the nursery ready, it was perfect. His name was on the wall, my shower was great, we had everything we needed.
On a Sunday night I thought I had an ear infection, I went to the emergency room. Like any pregnancy, when you go to a doctor, they check the baby's heartbeat. They used the little hand held doppler and couldn't get anything. They went and found the one that rolls around. Again, nothing. I was scared, I didn't know what was going on. In my mind, I had felt the baby move. Later to find out that the baby was moving around in the amniotic fluid and that was what I was feeling. They told me to call my husband to come up there with me that they were going to call their ultrasound tech in. This was late at night and it seemed like forever. After all, I felt like I had an ear infection. I was at a loss for what was going on.
The ultrasound tech arrived and we went to the radiology department. I will never forget that moment. The screen was pointed at me. She couldn't find a heartbeat and their was no movement. She looked at me and said, "I am sorry".............I broke down with tears down my face, I was scared, in disbelief. She was wrong, she had to be. I was 33 weeks pregnant, just 7 weeks shy of my due date.
I was taken downstairs to Labor and Delivery where I was told that I would be induced and that we would have to have a funeral because at a certain gestational age the hospital can't dispose of the body. I couldn't believe it. I had just finished his nursery, I couldn't start planning a funeral. I can't begin to explain the pain I felt in my heart. My husband and I had just gotten married the month before. We had a whirlwind courtship and he was my rock. I am sometimes amazed that its been 6 years and we are still going strong.
I called my family and my dad, stepmom and grandma immediately came. They drove all night to be there for me. I can still see everything in my mind. The nurses were great, such a support, my doctor had been through this. The more people I talked to the more I realized that stillbirh wasn't as uncommon as I thought.
I delivered that night/early morning. Riley Joseph Wheat was born, 4 lb and 4 oz, 16 inches long. My world forever changed. I had never planned for this. My heart goes out to everyone that has lost a child.
I have an awesome support system. I am thankful. I don't understand why it happened, why me, I often would ask. Its in that time in my life that I realized that I can't question was God has chosen for my path. I am gracious for my two children that are here with me. I am blessed in ways unmeasurable.
December 17th, it was a Friday. We buried our son. His casket was so little. His headstone on the bottom reads "Little Ones to Him Belong". I couldn't have picked a more perfect saying. I know that God held my hand through that entire service. I also know that my grandpa's are in heaven with him, and I am OK with that.
I have to remind myself that feeling sorry for me or my situation doesn't make it any better and it doesn't make me a good mom to my other children. I live life for them and my husband everyday. I will continue to thank God for what he has given me.
I know some of you that are reading this will wonder why I have decided to share this with you. I hope you understand that this is MY personal blog. This is for my feelings and thoughts. I know that there are other people out there that have gone through what I have and look for support or reassurance. I hope that in some way my story will do that for somebody.
I truly believe that my GOD will not give me more than I can handle.